The Living Together Lie
Twenty five years ago morality was an understood concept, even if some chose to ignore it. Today, we can’t presume anything! Many really don’t know what morality is and few care. A minister friend of mine had concluded his ministry as a guest speaker in a church when a young couple asked to talk to him privately. Drawing to one side, they stumbled over their words: “We thought you may have meant?….Umm. Did you actually imply?…Umm. Does the Bible really say it is wrong to live together before marriage?” They stood quietly as colour began to discernibly drain from their faces.
Gently my friend showed them God’s counsel in His Word as he realised that they knew no better. I can just about hear the outrage now: That would never happen in my church! But, it did and it does! Let’s not get defensive; let’s provide a better answer for many of today’s new converts.
The couple in question had wandered into the church together a few weeks earlier, not knowing anyone there. They were searching for God. That first night they both committed their lives to Christ. From that point onwards, they were on fire for God. They arrived in the same car, left in the same car and lived in the same house. Only using their first names, everybody presumed they were married.
Fortunately for the couple, they could settle the issue. After finding out what God’s Word said, they separated for the few weeks prior to their local minister solemnising their marriage.
PRESUME NOTHING!
Without being sanctimonious, we can keep the standard high for moral purity in a perverse world. Though we, the Church, have always stated that it is God’s best for a couple to wait for marriage before cohabitation, it has been more a statement of conviction (although rightly based on the Word of God), rather than justifiable facts.
We, as ministers, may know that the Bible and a dynamic Holy Spirit filled life has the answers. But, believe me, the world doesn’t and doesn’t even care to know. They are no longer brought up on the Bible’s standards. Presume nothing!
‘SLIDING INTO MARRIAGE’
We want to encourage our young people to make intelligent decisions about entering into marriage. Cohabitation produces what is termed ‘Relationship Inertia’. The central idea of ‘Relationship Inertia’ is that some couples, who otherwise would not have married, end up married partly because they cohabit. ‘Well, we may as well live together to save on expenses’, or some other meaningless reason.
This leads to ‘We may as well marry’. They ‘slide’ into decisions rather than positively making them. Therefore it is easier to ‘slide’ out of them. Research shows they tend to ‘slide’ into marriage (a negative approach or at best inertia), rather than ‘decide’ (a positive deliberate decision) to marry implemented by non-cohabiting individuals. Again research shows that the cohabitating couples who ‘slide’ into marriage separate and divorce more readily, as they have not made as conscious a decision to marry in the first place.
Because of our work in Marriage and Family areas, we keep abreast of the latest research and facts. Progressively more is coming to light to validate our Christian position and stand. We have listed the findings of some of the latest research on the ill-effects of cohabitation outside of marriage. Trust they will be helpful for you in gently and wisely helping couples who are coming direct from the world into our churches.
FACTS ON COHABITATION
BEFORE MARRIAGE
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By 2000 well over half of all first marriages were preceded by cohabitation Now it is 76%.
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Cohabitation doesn’t reduce the likelihood of divorce; in fact it leads to a higher divorce rate. One study showed it has a 46% higher risk than the normal divorce rate.
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No positive contribution of cohabitation to marriage has ever been found, not even sexual compatibility, as usually suggested.
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Cohabitants tend not to be as committed as married couples, or prepared to work on their differences. Generally it is unusual for cohabitation to last more than five years.
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Particularly problematic is the area of serial cohabitation. It generates a greater willingness to dissolve later relationships.
• 60% of cohabitations end in marriage.
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In general, cohabiting relationships tend to be less satisfactory than married relationships, with cohabiting couples reporting lower levels of happiness, lower levels of sexual exclusivity and sexual satisfaction and poorer relationships with parents.
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Cohabitation has been consistently associated with poorer marital communications, lower marital satisfaction, higher levels of domestic violence and a greater probability of divorce.
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After five years only 10% of cohabiting couples are together. Their relationships do not tend to permanency.
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Married couples have substantial benefits over the unmarried cohabiters in terms of labour force productivity, physical and mental health, happiness and longevity.
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Annual rates of depression among cohabiting couples are more than three times the married rate.
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Physical and sexual abuse of the female is much higher. One study showed at least twice as high; another study nearly three times.
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Abuse is 20 times higher for children with cohabiting, biological parents, but 33 times greater if parent is cohabiting with non-parenting male partner.
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1996 poverty rate was 6% with married parents, but 31% with cohabiting parents.
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Cohabiters have, on average, lower incomes and less education.
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Australian National University found unmarried people need an income of $70,000 to display the same happiness as married persons with income of only $20,000.
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One of the annoying features is that there is growing evidence that tax reforms make it beneficial to stay single. This has been blamed for falling numbers of weddings.
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Many cohabiting couples waste their young adulthood in relationships going nowhere. It may contribute to later pregnancies than personally wanted and research has shown cohabitating relationships are becoming more unstable and less likely to lead to marriage. +
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