What My Miscarriage Has Taught Me
I have been negotiating with the Lord about writing my testimony from the moment I first knew that I was miscarrying our second baby. Excuses of “I am scared”, “There is not enough time in the day”, “I’m busy now with paying clients’ work” are now tired out. The Lord is so gracious and now I am finally sharing my story in the hope that it will bring you closer to the Lord if you already know Him, or introduce you to our gracious and loving Heavenly Father.
We had been trying to have a second baby for around eight months when my husband, Laren, went into hospital for an emergency operation in December. After days of being in pain and a little delirious, he returned to normal and remarked that I looked different. At the crack of dawn the next day, I took the pregnency test and it was immediately positive. Elated, I jumped on the bed and woke Laren waving the positive test! We then prayed together and thanked the Lord for the incredible blessing of a second child.
After telling friends and family of the good news, life carried on as normal. Our daughter, Trinity, was thrilled to have a baby sister or brother on the way and would often walk up to me and whisper “Hi baby” to my growing tummy.
In late January this year, we were getting ready to attend the second day of a course at our church when I started to bleed. I knew this could be normal but I phoned my friend Nicole who is a nurse and we prayed over the phone and she suggested I stay at home that weekend with my feet up. I have never been good at sitting still, so I decided to go to the meeting. On my way there, Laren kept saying he was hearing “The Lord is good in all things” over and over in his head. When I had slight cramps I knew it was time to go to the hospital.
My wonderful Christian friends came with me and assisted our family as we got to the hospital and waited for results. The doctor was unable to tell me what was going on, as I had not miscarried. He sent me home with strict instructions not to move until the Monday.
We had such love and support over those two days from SMS’s, to phone calls, to dinners being delivered. By Sunday evening I knew in my heart that our baby was not going to make it and even though I had not yet miscarried, I knew that my baby had gone to be with our Heavenly Father.
Laren and I both had a good cry, yet at no stage did we feel abandoned by our Lord - in fact we kept praying to Him to be with us and most certainly felt His Presence at this time.
I woke early on that Monday morning with our Lord Jesus Christ’s loving Hand gently stroking me and saying: “Testimony”. I knew in my heart that my experience should be shared with as many people as possible. Miscarriages happen far more often that we realise, with many guilt-ridden women keeping silent about their hurt. Often if a couple chooses to share their sorrow, the men are expected to stand firmly by whilst their wives get the attention and care.
Laren and I don’t know why the Lord chose to take our baby - perhaps there was something wrong with the child, maybe it was a lesson for us to go through, or just not the right time? There are so many possibilities, but we are blessed to have endured this as Christians. I have never felt more loved by our Lord. I never knew how much love our Christian and non-Christian friends and family have for us.
I remember so clearly during the haze of those few days receiving an SMS from my unsaved brother saying: “We are praying for you”. This further cemented my belief that God was at work. Even though I don’t know the answers to why things happened the way they did, I am at peace and have been since the day of the bleeding and cramps. Having lost both my parents and knowing the devastation that I felt, I would have expected to react the same way with this miscarriage. However, the new born-again me accepted whole heartedly that this was God’s plan. At no stage did I feel angry, betrayed or let down. This surprised me a great deal and I knew it was only because I could feel God’s love, even at such a difficult time. I was reminded of the ‘footsteps analogy’ which says that when we look around and see only one set of footprints in the sand and we feel abandoned by God; it is in fact He who is carrying us.
The morning after I had a procedure to remove the stillborn foetus, I explained to our daughter that Jesus had taken the baby to live with Him in Heaven. She gave me an odd kind of look - I could almost hear her say, “Duh, mom, I know that”- and turned back to watching her TV show.
Besides the love of our gracious Heavenly Father, I got through this difficult time
with my caring, loving husband at my side and the knowledge that God
has blessed us with an incredible daughter. There are options for us - we can try again or we can look at adopting a baby that needs a family – but right now we are leaving this in the Lord’s Hands and getting on with our purpose on this earth.
If anyone wants to call me to share their pain of a miscarriage, I would love to
listen and pray with you (082 940 6976)